Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Good advice.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*