As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
#Caturday
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.