Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
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Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Ummm
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.