BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.