Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?