Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
multitasking lunch
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Anyone want a chair?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.