When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*limbos away from your hug*
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.