I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
for all #parents out there
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.