When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
You Might Also Like
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.