You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.