Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My boss called in sick of me
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Meowchelangelo
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.