If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.