My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
The 6 types of sex
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face