When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
He wanted to make sure😂
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.