It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
There is no “we” in chocolate.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.