[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
road rage
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July