I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
🍞🦆
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one