Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Lol #dogsoftwitter
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.