fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
You Might Also Like
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.