Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
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I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
BRO LMFAO
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Hmm, not sure about this change
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Happy Friday
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire