*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Dammit Chief not again
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]