My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
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As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”