if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Well, this is awkward
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
🔦🌙👣
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.