Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Salad is the decaf of food.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
thinking about a very short hotdog
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“you recording!?”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.