Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
somebody come look at this
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep