Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.