When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.