Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Don’t tell me what to do
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.