“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.