I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.