I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.