“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Pretty much. 🤣
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
back to work
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.