I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Yup!
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.