[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]