I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.