Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I have never related to a cat more
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
not seeing the problem
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve