Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Every time.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.