I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Best mom ever 😂
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*frowns in Scottish*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE