What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.