ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
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my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you