me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Mornin
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat