I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
This is my pinned tweet
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar