me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.