Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets