HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.