(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.