[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Ape together strong
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.