I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true