Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.