[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
You Might Also Like
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.